How Porn Became My Best Friend

My first exposure to pornography was through a VHS tape (remember those?!). I can still remember the feelings, the exhilaration, the excitement as though it were only yesterday. From the age of 13, images of hardcore sex were burned into my brain. Little did I know, but it would be a secret that I would keep hidden and buried for 12 years of my life. Almost daily I would view the porn stash underneath the couch in the living room when no one was around. Pornography had become my closest friend. Thus began the cycle of addiction in my life.

Throughout my teenage years, the addiction would progress to internet pornography. Late at night, I would sneak to the computer watching out to make sure no one was getting up. I had it all planned out as each day unfolded and couldn’t wait until the late evening hours came. Hours and hours would be wasted viewing naked bodies and explicit sexual acts take place. I remember feeling a tension between guilt and pleasure, not knowing how to quit, but also not really wanting to quit. The deeper truth: I was afraid to tell anyone what I was doing for fear of being rejected. And so the cycle continued.

At the age of 16, I came to know Jesus Christ and I felt like my whole life had changed. I felt like I had a genuine experience surrendering my life to God. I had determined that I wanted to be free no matter the cost. No more pornography, masturbation, or fantasy. I was a Christian now. And so it worked…but only for a short time. You guessed it…the cycle continued.

Fast forward to the age of 26. By this time, I had graduated high school, gone to a Bible college, & become a youth pastor. All of that time, still hooked on pornography and keeping it a secret. Living a double life. I was engaged to Tracey, who would soon become my wife. Having only told a few people at this point about what I struggled with, I shared my with my fiance that I struggled with pornography. As I think back to her reaction to this news, I believe this was the very beginnings of a brokenness that began to take place in my life. She was devastated. I can still remember at one point she slid her engagement ring across the table to me, with tears in her eyes exclaiming: “I can’t do this.” With those words, I felt a crack take place in the deepest part of my soul. After years of the continual cycle of addiction in my life, I had began to realize in that moment that I was sick. Pornography had not only made me sick, but was now spilling over and hurting those most precious to me in life.

I would like to say that my life instantly changed from that moment on. But the reality is that I had to walk through much brokenness and pain. Healing had begun in my life but there were deep areas of trust and accountability that had to be rebuilt in my life and my marriage. As much as I had hurt my wife, Tracey chose to stay and walk with me through the process of healing and recovery. Through the help of other men who struggled like I did, support groups, accountability relationships, and other resources, I have found a freedom that I’ve never known before.

Today, 4 years later, I’m no longer a slave to pornography, masturbation, and fantasy. And yet I’m still chasing after purity. Healing and recovery is a process that often takes years. There are still days and moments that I feel temptations and certain “pulls” in the opposite direction, but I try to remember what it has taken to get where I am today. That it too precious to lose. I’ve been given so much grace and forgiveness from Jesus, my wife, and others who I’ve hurt. I simply try to keep my eyes on Jesus, believing Philippians 1:6 – “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

– Frank

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