How Does it Feel to Be a Woman Addicted to Porn?

woman-addicted-to-pornby Heather Lundy

While each woman’s experience is unique, there are general themes for the woman addicted to porn and/or sex: shame and guilt, conflicting messages from church and culture, feelings of worthlessness, and a profound sense of being misunderstood.

This is a glimpse into the world of a female sex addict:

I’m so tired. Tired of myself, my choices, my life. Shame overwhelms me when I look at my sweet, six-year-old daughter, Ellie. She is a picture of innocence with beautiful brown curls falling over her big brown eyes. She hugs me with all her might, but if she really knew her Mama, she wouldn’t look my way again. Neither would Tim.

Tim thought he married the head of a Christian sorority with an untainted background and life. I covered who I really am so well I barely knew myself. I saw our relationship as a way to escape my shame. I thought my issues would end when we got married. I threw away all those sexual fantasy books, and I tried to put filters on my laptop. Our pre-marital counselor talked only about my husband’s past porn use thankfully. So, I began my fairytale marriage with my image intact.

My fairytale lasted six months. Tim had to start traveling more, and because we had just moved to Seattle, I job-searched during the day from home. I wanted to catch up on Grey’s Anatomy, so I open my personal Netflix account, and image of a “new release” flashed across the screen. A porn movie I hadn’t seen. All of that idle time at home with Tim out-of-town left me wanting and here was a perfect release.

Fast forward nine years and six months. I am exhausted. I hate myself. With a Bible study to lead, two precious girls to mother, a twenty-year mortgage to pay—a nice home, complete with white picket fence—I am but a shell with no one to help me.

To read the rest of this post, go here.

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